Okay McKel. Here's an entry for you to see....
Maybe there's a better way, but here goes!
Turns out February has been insanely busy.... I had planned to write something new, or finish something I'd started, but as I am running out of time with no end in sight, I'm going with something I wrote a few years back. It's not much, I'm sorry to say, but it's a start! Not sure which of our categories it falls into--its just a plain old Poem.
I welcome any and all comments!
Mine is the garden growing only weeds.
Mine is the spiderweb catching only seeds.
Mine is the candle burning in the sun.
Mine is the idea thought but never done.
Mine are the hours slip-sliding away.
Lived for the moment, wasted by the day.
Wait! Wait! Wait for me!
12 years ago
6 comments:
Nice Liv. I'll be rereading that one from time to time for sure.
Thought I'd let you all know that we are on vacation right now, so I'm not in computer contact much. Weston's Dad is doing okay, slow progress, but still with us, and after a stroke of that magnitude, that is a miracle in and of itself. We had this vacation planned before, so we decided to still do it. Anyhow, I'm hoping to find a quiet moment in the sun to write a little something for this month. McKel, I hope you figured out how to post. Go to your dashboard and then you should be able to see how to do it from there.
I think we all feel this way sometimes, like we aren't accomplishing anything and we can't grow anything but weeds-- maybe because we are not putting any effort in. And since we are not putting any effort in, we are getting nothing in return. To me, thoughts like this scare me and usually motivate me to get to work. Yes, I will be thinking this one over some more. If I may be bold, the feeling of this poem to me is: hopeless and lazy-- or even just too tired. The poem structure itself is not any of these, but the mood you are conveying is. Ironically,the structure of the poem gives your ideas some hope-- since you are finishing each set of lines with rhyme. If you truly wanted to make this a hopeless poem... don't finish the last line and just put a period after wasted. But, I do like the rhyme and I do like the glint (as small as it is) of hope that it gives.
I graduated in English Lit so forgive me for my over analyzing, but I sure have fun dissecting words.
OK, this is going to be like saying that "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" is a death wish. I don't know what you were thinking when you wrote it, but here is what is says to me.
You make decidedly self-assured statements in the first words of each line. The first word, "Mine", (like a two-year-old) is an assertion of self-awareness and possession (Mine is the garden growing..., Mine is the spiderweb catching..., Mine is the candle burning..., Mine is the idea thought..., Mine are the hours...), Then you brush that sangfroid away with just two words. It's so devastating how the word "only" demeans whatever word follows. (only weeds--as if weeds have no beauty, only seeds--as if seeds don't hold the miracle of life, in the sun---as if the dark lighted by a candle is better than first morning light, never done--as if all things thought are worth doing and none are worth keeping as dreams, slip-sliding away--as if hours are unworthy if unfocused and sliding is sinful).
"Lived for the moment" is the jewel of this poem--the last words of each line are the wastes. Very subtle--I love it.
I really liked this poem because of the contradictions. You have images of stillness juxtaposed with a strict meter and rhyme. Because of that, it made me think of those days I run around doing all the little things that need to be done, but at the end of day I can't think of anything I have accomplished.
The first time I read this I thought that maybe you could brainstorm words or phrases to replace "slip-sliding" and "lived for a moment," just because those are phrases we hear often. But now that I'm looking at it again, I think I like it. Maybe it's something you could play with and see if you find anything you like better. I only thought of this because I have a similar, but much worse issue, but for the life of me can't think of another way to word "rock the boat."
Anyway, I really like it. Very powerful.
The images evoked are great! I love the image of a spiderweb with seeds caught in it especially. Aside from the picture, the effort to make or accomplish something is often so great that not seeing the expected outcome is disappointing. Overall a sad tone to the poem and one I can relate to (especially on Mondays).
Now that I've more time to actually read and think - I want to make a real comment.
Liv - the poem is beautifully done. In two ways it reminds me of one of my favorite poems - Annabelee by Poe - a poem that is almost like a dance. I love to hear it and speak it because it flows so perfectly. It is sad, however. Liv's poem also speaks beautifully, using repetition, which is why I think it reminds me of Poe. It is also downcast- or at least it would try to be. I agree that there is a prevailing sense of hope, however - that Poe did NOT have! For example, this garden is growing, candles are burning, hours slip-slide, which to me is an easy, relaxed image. And life is lived, even "for the moment" - that to me is true living.
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